Felon Phone F34
Felon Phone F34
Only $34/month with the Covfefe Plan™

Exclusive Features

  • We know more about phones than anyone
  • 34x faster than regular phones
  • Built-in loyalty detector
  • Automatic fact-checking (patriot-approved facts only)
  • Special "Alternative Social Media" integration
  • AI-powered Enemy of the State Sensor™
  • 34 pre-installed wallpaper options: All tasteful portraits of a certain someone

Premium Security

  • Advanced surveillance capabilities
  • Automatic data sharing with friendly foreign governments
  • Built-in loyalty verification system
  • 34 layers of security (mostly for us, not you)
  • Instant Deportation Button: Remove anyone you think is scary, no due process required!

Covfefe Plan™ Benefits

  • UNLIMITED DATA. (Limited after 34GB - enough for all your patriotic needs)
  • Free access to select news sources
  • Priority customer service (for verified patriots only)
  • Special discount for members of certain political organizations
  • Free YES MEN™ service. Surround yourself with people that will do anything you say and always agree with you.
  • Includes one free Biggest Birthday Parade Ever

Customer Reviews

★★★★★

I just got my Felon Phone! I need customer support though. I ran out of call time after 34 calls.

Customer Support: I bet they were perfect calls tho.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: This phone is only available to verified patriots. Verification process may include background checks, social media monitoring, and loyalty oaths. By purchasing this phone, you agree to share all your data with us and our partners. We reserve the right to monitor all communications and activities. No refunds. No returns. No questions asked. We reserve the right to monitor all communications and activities.

This phone is not a phone. Don't tell anybody this phone is not a phone. Remove this for the final version.

Terms and conditions may apply. Terms and conditions may not apply. Terms and conditions are whatever we say they are.

This is a parody. Duh.